The Red Route

I’m Loathin’: Elizabeth Hasselbeck February 6, 2009

I give you the devil (who may or may not wear Prada, I don’t know):

Elizabeth Hasselbeck in her true form.

When Elizabeth and I first met, she affected me the way that she probably affected most women: I fell in lust.  I was in a whirlwind love affair with all the women on The View.  Wow, thought I, these ladies are funny!  And they’re smart!  Elizabeth’s really pretty!  (I was 12 when The View first started; it wasn’t like was going to have any major epiphanies.  Get off me.)

Even as I watched The View in high school, I still found myself drawn to Elizabeth.  She was nice to the guests and rather charming, and I enjoyed how she expressed her differing viewpoints with Meredith, Starr, Joy, and Barbara in a way that preserved everyone’s dignity.  I admired her backbone and poise.

Then Meredith left for the Morning Show, and Barbara brought on Rosie O’Donnell.  

This was problematic.

See, I loved Rosie long before I loved Elizabeth.  The Rosie O’Donnell Show used to come on television right after I got home from school.  I distinctly remember watching Rosie and then turning over to The Nanny before Mom would get home and make me start my homework.  It was almost as if Rosie was my dirty little secret; she and I spent an hour together every weekday afternoon with no one the wiser.  She was my special favorite. 

So thus, in one fell swoop, Elizabeth lost her position on top of my daytime television pedestal.  It’s almost as if she knew, because right after Rosie joined the show (and began give-aways, which is the only reason The View still has a live audience) she became a total and complete gremlin.  No longer was dialogue civilized; Elizabeth turned Hot Topics into a vicious personal attack every single day.  It didn’t matter what kind of interference Barbara Walters interfered, or what concessions My Darling Rosie tried to make.  Elizabeth just became more and more vicious.  

I began to dislike Elizabeth. 

She and I were on the outs.  Our strained relationship finally imploded when she and Rosie had a fight on air that lasted a full uncensored 5 minutes.  Rosie tried to talk reasonably with Elizabeth, and Elizabeth went bat crap insane.  Their feuding drove Rosie off the show.  This made me sad. 

I now hated Elizabeth.

You’d think that would set Elizabeth straight again, and she would go back to her charming, aw-shucks-you-guys ways.  You’d think she’d abandon her defensive ways, but no.  She’s just morphed into a less composed Ann Coulter, or a Rush Limbaugh with smaller breasts.  In other words, she’s nuttier than a fruitcake.  I have come to loathe Elizabeth Hasselbeck so completely, so thoroughly, that I became nauseous while defacing her picture and threw up a little bit in my mouth.  

There are many reasons I hate Elizabeth.  First off, she’s completely and totally unwilling to compromise.  She refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s opposing viewpoints; she automatically supposes that her extreme right-ism is the only answer.  She is physically incapable of saying, “okay, I can see where you are coming from, but I think XYZ.”  It’s like any sort of mediation would melt her tongue straight off.  Instead, she doggedly stands by any conservative stance, even if it is completely ridiculous, and conversely, she attacks any liberal stance, even if it has merit.  It’s almost like she’s retarded.

To boot, she cannot hold a constructive debate.  She’s like kid in your elementary school class who told you that you were wrong, and when you asked why, it was because you were stupid.  When someone counters one of her points, she just beats a dead horse.  She will RETURN TO THE REBUTTED POINT AND SAY THE SAME THING OVER AGAIN.  It’s like listening to a broken record–that is, if the record had a high, screechy voice and might actually fly over a table at you during commercial break.

I could, possibly, forgive all of that.  Maybe.  But here’s the thing that sends me over the edge:  all she does is yell.  YELL.  CONSTANTLY.  I’M ELIZABETH AND EVERY TIME YOU DISAGREE WITH ME I’M GOING TO SPEAK AT YOU IN ALL CAPS.  Not only does she make stupid arguments (not stupid debate), she has to SCREAM them at you.  She’s three episodes away from putting her hands over her ears and yelling I CAN’T HEAR YOU over and over in Joy’s face.  

The thing is, I can respect her (begrudgingly) for wanting to stand up for what she believes in, but the way she does it gives conservatism a bad rap.  I’m moderate with conservative leanings, so I can gel with some of what she says on air.  It’s the way she does it, though, that’s so irritating.  I’m sure that moderate conservatives everywhere must wish she would shut her pie hole; every time Elizabeth brings up a subject for debate, she slaughters it so thoroughly that it becomes unrecognizable.  It’s a problem, especially because the press she generates for conservatives is wholly negative.  I’m waiting for her to get her own show on FOX NEWS, where this sort of behavior is tolerated AND propagated.  

And the worst part?  She. Keeps. Reproducing.