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Reverb10 December 20, 2010

Posted by A. Robinson in Reverb10.
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December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

I spent all weekend thinking about this prompt off and on.  I’ve done quite a bit of letting go this year, and some of it was really, really tough.  I know I’m going to have to do a lot of letting go next year, too.

One thing I let go of this year was a very close friendship.  My freshman year, my roommate and I became very good friends.  Best friends, you might say.   At the time, I thought we were just really close, but in retrospect, we had a pretty toxic relationship.  She was needy, wanted validation constantly, and demanded a lot of my time.  Because of that, some of my other friendships suffered, for which I am now incredibly regretful.

Anyway, she got married, and as soon as she moved away, that was it.  She and her husband would come back into town to visit and never call; we’d run into each other and it was a big “Oh, surprise!  Sorry!  You want to grab dinner or something?”  I’d call her and she wouldn’t call me back, or she’d pick up the phone and immediately dismiss me.  It was incredibly clear that she wanted nothing more to do with me.

I was so deeply hurt…hurt to the point of almost hating her.  I’d think of her and my stomach would clench; I would dread going to football games in case we saw each other in the parking lot.  I even missed church one night because I knew she’d be back for a visit.  I used to have dreams about punching her in the face.  That’s messed up.  Basically, I let her treatment of me dictate aspects of my life for a long, long time.  (Note to self: That’s part of why I need to stop holding grudges)

Anyway, I’ve been working really hard to make new friendships and get over old ones, if you know what I mean.  Then, earlier this year, her grandmother died.  John and I are still very good friends with her uncle (whose a sophomore in college—confusing, I know.  He’s adopted, and we’ll leave it at that).  Like good friends, we went to the visitation, and I was all upset because I knew SHE would be there.  I saw her, told her I was sorry, and…that was it.  I felt…nothing.  No anger, no sadness…it was just over.

Over.  What a nice word to type.

Strangely enough, writing about this—no matter how vaguely—makes me feel better, too.  It’s nice to put it out there, to acknowledge to the world that I’m okay now.  Well, maybe okay isn’t the right term.  I’ve let go, and now I’m working through the emotional baggage on my way towards being “just fine.”

Maybe I’ll write a longer post about this once I get there.

 

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

Hah!  This is funny, because I’m actually making Christmas presents as we speak.  Some of it is hush-hush, but suffice it to say I’ve recently crocheted two very warm, very fuzzy, very red presents.

 

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

This is kind of an interesting question for me.  I haven’t really discovered community anywhere this year.  I would say at my home church, but that’s really a 2009 thing, so I guess that doesn’t quite count.

Perhaps it’d be easier if I stuck to the second half of the question.  I know exactly where I’d like to find more community: at work.  I’d like to make better friends with my fellow TAs.  It’s been hard—I was lucky enough to land in an office with instructors, but that means that I don’t have much interaction with teaching assistants.  It lets me be an affective TA, but I’d like to have more interaction from my peers.

I also want to do a better job maintaining the communities I do have.  It’s been very hard over the past few months to keep in contact with my friends—school, marriage, and my family has taken precedence.  I’m not very good at making friends, and I really value the ones I have.

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